whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
