Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize