I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
