If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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