I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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