yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
