so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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