Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
