I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
