If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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