Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
he thought i was a dude.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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