she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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