I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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