I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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