well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
