Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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