Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
