its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
