My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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