I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
