Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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