it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
