Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
