FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
