I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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