I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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