It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
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