So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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