ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
