it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
