My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
