Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
