why didn't you poke me back
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She bit a glass in half.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
