I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
