i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
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