Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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