he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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