david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
