Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize