You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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