dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
