I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
