tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
