the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I currently don't understand fingers.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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