I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
