I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Life is so much better after having sex.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Everyone says I win the strip club
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
