if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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