Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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