I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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