It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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