At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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