I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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