i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
