Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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