mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The Olympian is in my bed
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
