checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
