This is not my ceiling
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
