Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize