I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
