I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
