The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
