singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
