the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize