my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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