Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
