Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize